The Selfishness of Love
by tomification
Summary: After recieving some big news from Fluttershy, Rarity considers her love for her pegasus, and ultimately, her own happiness


MLP:FIM Fanfiction

The Selfishness of Love

Contrary to the famous saying, Rarity had always thought love to be very selfish, it is the simple desire to have another to one's self, both physically and emotionally. Rarity had thought nothing other than it being a simple visit when the one she was so enamoured with entered her boutique. However Fluttershy was so excited, so bubbly, she had sat down and told Rarity the news, that horrible soul-destroying news. Fluttershy's coltfriend had become her fiancé, and after telling Rarity about his proposal, she asked her to design some dresses again.

The dresses were supposed to be like the ones she had designed for the Grand Galloping Gala, individual and reflective of the wearer's personality. One would be for a bride, four for bridesmaids and one for herself, the best mare. In her mind she had already began to plot the way they would look and fall, as she always did. For the mare in question, who was still gushing excitedly about her coltfriend's proposal from across the table, it would have to be impressive, yet not too flashy, as to not overshadow her natural beauty.

White would have to be the colour she supposed, as dictated by tradition. Fluttershy had such a petite frame, the dress would hug her in the right places, giving an ever so slight hint of maybe something brash, maybe something seductive. Nothing crass however, as with all of her work the dress would carry an innate beauty and dignity, one that would be carried off with no effort on its owner's part. She envisioned a dark blue sash, hanging and being hung repeatedly from bows, maybe of the same colour, but probably not.

There would be no train; it was not the style of the dress' soon to be owner to have people following her, carrying for her. It would most likely have a small front, one that doesn't hang down by the sides, it would be the back that did that, and not the front. Reminiscent of her Gala gown, Fluttershy would be getting a dress that sung spring, maybe not with flowers or butterfly's but definitely in spirit. It was paramount that none of the colours clashed, because that would unappealing, and the mare who would one day soon be wearing this was anything but.

Blushing bride would be an apt term; Fluttershy blushed so often, her namesake shyness was only one in the multitude of reasons for Rarity's affection for her. There was her kindness, her beauty, her way with nature, could anyone blame the unicorn for being completely smitten. However the term 'affection' had so much plasticity, it was so malleable, what was the true essence of Rarity's love for Fluttershy; friendly, romantic, sexual, or maybe even pitiful?

Whatever it was it kept Rarity up at night, and it impaired her ability to fall asleep properly. It left her with a bitter haze of unfulfilled desires and regret, not to mention to ever-teasing tirade of fundamentally unobtainable fantasies. The fact that these were unobtainable was due to the screaming voice in Rarity's head, and not her heart. She knew with a more cognitive rather that emotional certainty that she could never have Fluttershy, but the tightness in her chest never subsided, no matter how much she tried to resign herself to that fact.

But it was her rebellion against said resignation that made her try to sate her sorrow with unrealistic fantasies of the timid beauty coming to her senses, and leaving her coltfriend for Rarity. Was Rarity so wrong to envision herself with a mare, one that was her best friend no less? Her dreaming and wishing was so deep and intricate that it bordered on being its own paracosm.

_Firstly they would have told their close friends that they had become and us, then they would have let the news filter out into the local community, there would some small disapproval, but that would simply add to the feeling. That feeling was simply fantastic, such raw…not love, but a force that drew them together, much stronger than friendship, and maybe even slightly lustful. In her own time Fluttershy would come round and say those three words to Rarity, who would simply swoon in response, only to be caught by those deceptively strong yellow hooves, and she would feel so…safe._

As nice as that imagining was, Rarity's favourite fantasy was the one wherein she and her springtime beauty would first begin to realise their feelings for each other. It was heavily stylised, and far too perfect, much like an old Fillywood movie, so much so that Rarity herself would sometimes imagine the scene in black and white.

_The two would be out with each other and suddenly they would notice just how attractive the other was, and the dance would begin. Would that glance last too long, would a touch linger on past the reasonable point of explainable practicality? Maybe on one of their spa trips Fluttershy would put forward the idea of them entering a relationship, and how they would laugh, but behind their lightly chuckling voices and mirth-filled eyes a serious connection would pass, and they would both know that her statement was simply a testing of the water. Fluttershy would find said water to be warm and rose-scented after her initial testing, a water in which she would love to bathe and throw herself into completely. And after inviting Rarity to watch the sun go down together, she would finally close the gap, their lips would meet, and Rarity would melt into her friend, who would stabilise her, and keep her on all four legs, from them until forever._

Rarity often scolded herself from daydreaming so foalishly, but that was the point, her dreaming wasn't confined to when she was lazily operating her sewing machine, or some other monotonous activity. Her love for Fluttershy had clung onto every aspect of her life, so much so that Rarity no longer felt like she was living for herself, like a musician playing a requiem for an individual much greater than themself. So many times did she wake up from a dream about the life she desired so much for them both, to wake up from something so vivid, from feeling so safe and loved, to seeing she was simply holding a pillow or a furious opalescence was just so…crushing.

When Fluttershy had first told her she was seeing a stallion they were at the spa, for one of their weekly get togethers, it was a good thing all the treatments covered her face. Rarity wore two masks that day, one of herbs and chemicals to help the skin, and one of a false happiness to hide her true feelings of shock and sorrow. She couldn't help but feel somewhat betrayed, she knew that Fluttershy had done nothing to betray her, but blaming helped ease the bitter feeling of unfulfilment in the pit of her stomach. And as her friend excitedly told her about the stallion, she described the way he makes her feel, she described the way he kisses, she lets out a girlish giggle as she light-heartedly describes his faults.

To Rarity that day was hell, it was like her friend was just listing off the things that she could never do, or at least the things she would never get a chance to do. Never would they embrace in the hearth of a crackling log fire while it snowed outside, never would they walk down the marketplace hoof-in-hoof, just to hear the gasps of unrelenting scandal, never would they wake up, only to look into each other's eyes and lazily decide to have another half an hour, just to be with each other. However specific these inaccessible desires were, they had the broadest of an interconnection, simple romance.

However Fluttershy had her own beau, and she neither needed nor desired a relationship with Rarity, who couldn't help but feel ashamed at her selfish want to Fluttershy exclusively to herself. The conversation had lasted the entire duration of the spa trip, and if it weren't for the oppressive steam of the sauna, Fluttershy may've seen an unchecked tear roll down Rarity's immaculate features. However as she imagined various ways of getting Fluttershy's coltfriend out of the picture, she had heard a sigh come from the one she so adored, Rarity was no foal, she knew what her companion was thinking of, or rather who. And to her immense surprise, Rarity had, despite everything felt happy, just seeing Fluttershy look so contented made her heart swell.

So after that day, Rarity had resigned herself to simply receiving vicarious enjoyment from seeing the object of her love so happy. Every time Fluttershy bounded up to her friend to excitedly tell her about how her coltfriend had bought her a ring, or how he had taken her out for a romantic date. Rarity simply had to force both and external and internal fake smile, one to aid her friend and the other for herself. And after Fluttershy would saunter away in a lovesick haze, confident of her friends approval with for her relationship, Rarity would try to force herself to settle. She knew that the simple joy from seeing her friend in love would never be enough, but maybe convincing herself of the falseness of that one simple truth was the only hurdle towards nirvana.

"So do you think you can make the dresses in time?" Rarity was snapped out of her remembrance by the gentle voice of Fluttershy. She was sat with her front two hooves on the table her eyelids weren't fully open or closed, giving her a calm and somewhat dreamy look.

"Of course dear," Rarity's voice cracked slightly, and she hoped the love-drunk Fluttershy didn't notice, however in an instant the Pegasus was by her side.

"Are you OK Rarity?" Rarity looked into the cyan eyes of her companion, they were filled with concern for her friend, a concern she didn't deserve,

"I'm…I'm just so happy for you," Rarity was prepared to berate herself for lying, but to her immense surprise she discovered she wasn't lying, she was actually happy for her friend. It was a shock to find out there and then, that she knew with a more emotional than cognitive certainty that Fluttershy was meant to be with this stallion. Because however it presents itself, love really wasn't selfish, and it had taken her to stop thinking about herself, to really be happy for her friend to realise it. It wasn't the desire to have one completely to yourself, rather the greatest state of care you can have for another being.

Did Fluttershy not deserve something for herself, something to make her happy, she was always so concerned with the wellbeing of others, and so Rarity knew in her heart of hearts that the Pegasus deserved, and needed this stallion.

At Rarity's reply her friend tenderly embraced her, and Rarity knew this would be one of her last chances. So she melted into the hug, and felt so relaxed that she almost toppled from her chair, if it weren't for those deceptively strong hooves holding her up. Rarity had never noticed how her friend's mane smelled so slightly of roses before, she had never noticed how unobtrusive and yet pleasantly strong the scent was. She had never noticed, how Fluttershy's coat tickled her face in the most pleasant of ways, or how their bodies fitted together so well, as if they had literally been made for one and other.

Fluttershy began to pull away, and it took so much for Rarity not to grab onto her for dear life, but if forsaking her own happiness was the price to give the one she loved the life she deserved, then Rarity would have to pay it. Fluttershy bid her friend farewell, saying she was going to tell the others of her stallion's proposal. But before she left the boutique, Fluttershy gave Rarity the most delicate of pecks on the cheek, and in that moment, Rarity could've been shattered like glass.

* * *

She tried to work that night, she went to draw out the dresses. Levitating the pencil as she always did, Rarity found that rather than sketch an elegant garment, she was drawing the soft curves and contours of Fluttershy, her lips were delicately placed on those of the self-portrait Rarity now found herself to be sketching. Rarity had stared at that drawing for at least ten minutes, and then, with a glow of her horn, the lines started to move.

Rarity often magically animated her drawings, to see how they would look from all angles, or when moving down the catwalk. But now the two mares on the paper were going through all those fantasies Rarity had for them. They hugged, they kissed, and they made love. The walked hoof in hoof and woke up together, they sat in the hearth of the fire. And at the end it all, a speech bubble left Rarities mouth, confessing her love for the Pegasus, and just as the Fluttershy drawing was about to respond, the magic stopped.

Rarity had seen these two drawings do more than she could ever hope to accomplish, the flimsy sheet of paper had more structure than years of fantasy, and although she would've loved to have seen it, even just on paper, she knew Fluttershy did not reciprocate her feelings. Rarity tore through the paper, separating the two mares, one looked expectant, the other just looked happy. One was contented with her life, the other, was in love, and it was a love that would never be rewarded, in both this flimsy drawing and reality. That is how it was now, and how it would always be.


End file.
